The Square of Determination...My Only Sunshine...

When I remember back to the very day that I found out that I was carrying my second child, I remember feeling guilty and alone. My marriage was quickly disintegrating, I was working a job I hated, and desperately trying to mother my beautiful 6 month old daughter. So when the doctor came into the room and informed me that I actually did not have the flu, but rather, was a few weeks pregnant, I placed my hands over my face and wept. What was I going to do? How would I ever be able to take care of another child? And even more plagueing, what were the chances of being the only two percent that had failed in taking the "fool proof pill"?
I went home and hugged my daughter to my breast and cried, just bawled. And I actually continued to sob for three more months. Of course, no one understood my dismay because for all real appearances, I was a "happy go lucky" mother and a young newlywed. But our marriage was really over. I spent much of my time alone and much more time trying to figure out where our missing money was actually going. But still, I was pregnant so I prepared myself for this new child whether I wanted it or not.
Then one day, as Kayla laid beside me in bed at naptime and I was silently weeping, I felt a soft faint flutter. A kick. At first I wasn't sure, but as I lay ever so still, another stronger kick came, my hands immediately went to my stomach, and I held my child. "Oh, my Baby, you are real. You are there. It's alright Baby, Mommie is here for you. I love you Sunshine. My little Sunshine!" And I lay there, caressing the little life inside of me, that I was sure I could not love or take care of. It was in that moment that I knew that no matter what, I would love this child as much as I loved Kayla. I would love this child and make a better life for her, a better life for all of us.
And so, the pregnancy continued much as the other pregnancy except that Kayla was a part of it, and she would take any chance she could to squeeze or poke my protruding middle and say, "Baby" as best she could. I reveled in getting ready for the baby and I was so sure she was a girl. With every fiber in me, I wanted this child, to love her, hold her, and do all the things that we mothers do with our babies.
But then, in the middle of the night, eight weeks before she was due to come, I began to lightly spot and have labor pains. Frightened and scared, my husband rushed me to the hospital where I nervously went through a battery of tests to see why I was in labor and what to do about it.
The doctor came in, his face very sober as he solemnly said, " This little baby is in danger. I am not going to lie to you, we are going to have to work very hard to save its life. We are going to give you medication to stop this labor and then you are going to have to go home and stay in complete bed rest. No cooking, no cleaning, only going to the restroom, and back to bed. If we can hold onto it for at least four more weeks, then it should be small, but okay. You must obey everything I say and rest, just rest."
 My husband looked at me and we both had tears pouring from our eyes. Because while our marriage wasn't very good, he loved his children very much, and was the best Daddy he knew how to be. And so we held each other and I geared my mind up to fight the biggest fight of my life, the fight to save my Sunshine.
The medication worked. We went home. I mothered Kayla from bed. People came in and took care of Kayla and the house and for two weeks, life was good and my baby was safe.
But again, in the wee hours of the night, the pains came, and once again, we found ourselves back at the hospital, only this time to be admitted for the remainder of my pregnancy. Hooked up to monitors and IVs, I prayed and rocked and prayed. I asked God to spare this child. This Sunshine that I guiltily had not wanted, but now, I could not live without her.
And so, I began to cross stitch a picture, a verse of a little girl blowing a dandelion that read, "Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD." Psalm150:6. I began to praise Him for this child and although I wasn't saved and my knowledge of a real true God was limited, I fought for my child spiritually as well as physically. And I loved her and I bonded with her and I willed her to live. I willed her to stay in my womb until she was ready.
So at four weeks early, on a Friday morning, Lacey Lynn made her way into this world with the loudest, bossiest cry I'd ever heard. She was a goofy-looking little thing unlike her sister, she resembled a chimpanzee of sorts, but I didn't care. She was here and she was mine. And she took to my breast and my love as if she had always been there.
We were a part of each other. She knew I would give my life for her and I knew she had fought to be with me. And although I love my other children so much, there is always a special bond with a child that you fight so hard to keep alive, a child whose life you have put at the foot of the cross day and night.

I now know that that was not the first child's life who I would petition the Lord for...there would be many, many more...and not all would I ever have an earthly bond with...