I began to slowly call the kids one by one. I didn't know if there was a tomorrow, heck, I wasn't even sure that there was a today. I told the adult children of my fears. I told them all of the stored up feelings of love and regrets I had. I told them everything on my heart. But my little ones, I just said that I loved them. Really loved them and that I was having tests done. My voice broke as I played possum to them and never let on what big trouble I was facing. I felt like a liar. But I couldn't rock their world. Kids in school do not need to know adult stuff. They had just lost their brother. Wasn't that enough for a kid for a lifetime?
The next few days were a myriad of tests. Then the surgeon walked in. He introduced himself and I shook his hand. Tim stood up and did the same. "There's a tumor...," he began. Focus...stay focused. Listen. Stay calm. Where are you Lord. Are you getting this? Am I gonna die and leave these children. These Grandchildren. This man whom I adore? Focus. Stay focused. "It is about the size of a golf ball located right behind your ear. It has been there awhile. Ever feel fatigued? Suffered hearing loss? Blurred vision? Spots in your eyes? Lights flashing in your eyes? Ever feel off balanced? Sinus headaches? Insomnia? stressed? Emotional?..." The list went on and on. I explained that I thought I just wasn't sleeping well. I explained that I take good care of myself, eat right....
"This could be from birth....," he continued. "Good news, is that it probably isn't cancer. Bad news is that I don't like where it's located and I want to schedule surgery within the week. There's a two percent chance that this is cancer. Great odds. But there is also a ten percent chance that this surgery could result in a spinal fluid leak or some other brain trauma. The tumor is located in a very bad spot. I'll need to go in through here, " he pointed to my neck, "make an incision about six inches long and then go in through the skull....". That was enough for me. No way can this be real. Somebody pinch me. Holding in the tears. Frightened and lonely? Where is God? Hadn't we suffered enough? Hadn't I? Lord, be real. We just lost Jeff. I searched for Tim and watched him take this all in. He just sat and intently listened. The doctor left. There I sat...stunned, frightened. And feeling very alone. Alone with a mass in my body that could steal my life away. That would steal my life away for a very long time.
The doctor shook my hand. He shook Tim's. Then he turned around with tenderness in his eyes. He with his yamaka on his head, his five foot seven stature, and his " I'm barely old enough to drive boyish grin on his face"..."You need to know something else. This is nothing short of a miracle that this tumor was found. All of your symptoms are easily treatable. It could have taken years for us to find it and by then...well it wouldn't have been good. Let's just say someone in this universe wanted you very much alive...." and he grinned again and left.
I watched him leave. Tim was quiet. The quietest he'd ever been, and he's real quiet to start with. He came over and held me for the longest time. My love. The love of my life. The only man to tame the shrew. Keeper of the emotions. My father. My best friend. My children's father. Their children's grandmother. I began to beg God to let me live. I began to play "Let's make a deal" with God. But I knew better. I knew God's style wasn't a game show. I knew His will was His will and I'd have to just accept it.
The plan was to run a few preop tests that day and let me go home to rest for a week. Rest. Bed rest. Not exactly what I had planned for that week. Not exactly who I was. How do you rest. I got so restless. The waiting in that hospital was driving me crazy. The endless praying and conversations with God were going no where. Where was He and why couldn't I feel His presence?
"I voiced my Godless feelings to Tim..."Sometimes you just have to rely on faith Kari, and for you this may be one of those times...God just is. That is a fact. There's no feeling involved...just faith," Tim said tenderly as I cried.
"Kari, I am here for you. It'll be okay. I promise you...it has to be..." my best friend Katie soothed.
"Momma, it'll be okay. I know it will Momma. I promise. I'm coming home." Lacey whispered through the phone over and over again.
"Mom, God loves you and you found it when you shouldn't. It'll be okay. I promise. Want me to come home?" Tierney soothed from California.
"Momma, just call and let me know...I'm here Momma. I'm here. It'll be okay. You know it will", Josh said half convincing himself as well.
But I doubted him. I doubted them all. I laid my head on the pillow in the quiet, lonely hospital and realized it was out of my hands. I as not in control. For some reason, until Jeff died, I thought I controlled everything. But no, I knew now that I did not. I began to weep. The kid of weeping that goes so deep that you are unlikely to think clearly. I hushed up inside, closed my eyes, and rested my sore neck on the pillow. Tim was asleep in the chair. The room was still. And there out of no where, was God. I felt His hand stroke my hair. I felt the softness of His robe as I laid my head in His lap. I could feel the soft breeze of the angel's wings caressing my skin. I felt a light and peace that was so intense, I could barely breath.
"Now do I have your attention? Stop. Stop running from me. I will take care of this... I promise. It will not be easy. It will be the hardest fight of your life, but I will take care of you. Trust me. Be still, and know... Have faith in Me...", I heard God's voice stroking my heart. Calmly. Sternly. Surely.
And I slept. And I knew. I knew I would be alright. If I died, I would be alright. If I lived, I would be alright. But in that moment, for the rest of my life, I knew that God had this. I just had to trust. And I went to sleep with His arms firmly around me, and they are around me still. Psalm46:10.
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