Motherhood has been a life long career for me, at least active motherhood has. It has been a beautiful, amazing experience that has given me so much joy everyday, that I would not change it for the world. However, as a young mother, I made many mistakes. I sought perfection in myself, my children, our home, and our lives. Sometimes my choices were so unrealistic that I caused a lot of calamity in a family that really existed purely on the chaotic. Our lives were wonderfully magical, but also overwhelming at times. I was so busy that I seemed to see the necessary than the unnecessary most days. With eight kids running everywhere that the world mandated, I found my best efforts were needed just to keep them fed, clean, and on time. Oh, don't get me wrong, I "got" my kids. I connected with them, but a lot of special moments were not magical because I simply couldn't relax and let life get a little crazy.
However, with our last child I am much more relaxed. After losing a son to suicide and facing two brain surgeries back to back, my life has become anything but busy. I enjoy every minute of this child's life. I notice all her world, her growths, her changes. And so every milestone has been a remarkably big deal to me. I watch her. I hover over her. I adore her very breath. But to be fair, this was a child we almost lost both before her birth and after she was born when she became ill with meningitis, so I cherish that I even have her at all. She is my baby. The youngest Burd baby. Our last hurrah...But today, today she became something much more, she became my friend.
With all the other girls, friendship came gradually. Their trust in me as their confidante, was slow and gradual, after a series of unconscious testing, that I somehow made it through, I unknowingly their past. But with Katie-Grace, Katce, I have been her primary caregiver, warrior, bodyguard, chief cook, and boss exclusively her whole little life. So her need for me in any other capacity, was never warranted. Until today.
We sat in the car and made our way to the dentist. She chatted up a storm. She never really had anything important to say, she rarely does, but she still can "talk water up hill". As I listened to her banter, I watched her, and I realized that she was growing up. She was attempting to solicit knowledge and asking all sorts of questions. We began to actually have a real grown up conversation. We laughed and she became very lively and funny, her little eyes dancing as I chuckled at her genuine humor.
We reached the dental office, and the hygienist came out taking us each to different rooms. I started to speak about having her in a separate room, but Katce quickly grabbed my hand, squeezed it, looked in my eyes, and said, "Bye Momma!". She hopped away and left me all by myself to get my teeth cleaned. I listened to her all through the cleaning, talking away to the tech, and I wondered what dark secret she was betraying. She waltzed in some thirty minutes later, was very polite, and waited before she interrupted to speak or even jump on my lap. Instead of me watching over her, she watched over me. The dentist checked us. Told us we were cavity free. Talked about braces, to which Katce wiggled up her nose, and we left. She smiled courteously to the staff, held the door for me, and to the car we went.
And still, still I was dumbfounded at the change in my child. Her maturity level had blossomed overnight. I just kept studying her as I pulled into the store parking lot. I helped her out, but she did not want me to lift her. I reached for her hand and she took it, but more because I needed to know she was safe. She did not cling to me. She pushed the cart with me, never asking to get in. Her eyes flitted from one rack to the next as she picked out clothing for me, matching up outfits and assuring me, these were the ones that would make me look spectacular. I just kept marveling at her. The change, the softness, the maturity of this nearly nine year old girl. And then, then, it happened..
"Momma, do you see this Momma? Do you see this beautiful dress? Wouldn't it look good on me?" She stood holding up a lovely spring maxi dress to her chubby frame.
"Yes, Baby, it is gorgeous! Would you like it?" I asked. Her eyes lit up as she nodded and we began to shop for just her. We rummaged through the racks and she gave me opinion after opinion of what she liked and didn't like. She managed to know exactly what she wanted and for the first time, I did not shop for my child, she shopped for herself. We waltzed the store and I marveled at her maturity and knowledge of her tastes and distastes. I wondered where this would all lead. Was I losing my little girl for a teendom already?
She reached up high above her head and grabbed the perfume bottle and smelled, " Ummm, Momma, sniff this?" I bent over and smelled a soft feminine smell of faint cotton candy. " Could I get it Momma? Can I?" I stammered a little and was about to say no, when it hit me, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This child, my little girl was bonding with me. Not like a mother and daughter bond, but a woman to woman bond. And my answer, my answer would forever change our relationship...I studied her face, her earnest little girl face, ready to grow up and smell pretty and be part of this woman's world. I hesitated...still, she was still very much a little girl. I reached for the milder smelly lotion. But when I held it and we sniffed it, I saw defeat in her eyes. I saw my little girl fighting to be a young woman and I was standing in her way of growth because it was I, not her, who needed this youngest child to never grow up.
My heart began to pound and my eyes misted with water, "Okay, Baby, you can have the perfume, but..."
"Oh Momma, you are the bestest Momma ever....now I will smell like Timara and all the other girls. I will be pretty! Oh Momma thank you so much!" And she flung her pretty little self around my body and gave me a hue hug.
She never heard the "rules" for her perfume use... she only knew that now she had taken the first step to being very grown_up. She chattered all the way to the car clutching and fingering that perfume bottle. she sniffed it and studied it as if it were her whole life. and I watched her and studied her in the same way...My baby...my last child...number nine...was growing up. But instead of being frightened, I reached my hand over the console, took her small chipped polished hand, and murmmered ever so quietly, " I love you Babygirl, my Katce, this has been the best day...thank you for being my friend!"
She looked up at me and nodded, her glowed as her eyes glistened with threatening tears, " I love you too...Hey Momma, can we go to McDonald's?" well my babygirl may have taken her first step into womanhood, but we weren't there quite yet, and off to McDonald"s we headed...
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