Sometimes in life, God asks us to give up our dreams in order for Him to do His will. I had to give up my dream of raising an infant with Tim in order for us to adopt our five children from New York. It was very hard for me to do this, because I am selfish when it comes to infants and the need to love, snuggle, and cuddle a baby never seems to go away from me. But I loved those kids from New York more than I loved the dream, and so over the years, the dream faded into a fond memory as sometimes unfulfilled dreams do.
Then one day, while I was minding my own business, I was approached by two parents who had just found out that their young, teenage daughter was going to have a child in two months. Because of privacy issues, there are some things I cannot divulge, but I can say, that this little girl loved, and I believe, wanted to raise her child very much. But due to other social issues within her home and subsequent family, adoption became her only option.
Now, I had known this girl for a long time. We had a nice relationship and I already loved her, which made thinking of adopting her baby much easier. However, her family, on both sides, had dramatic issues in their gene pool, which I must admit, scared the stink out of both Tim and I.
We kept waffling back and forth, trying to decide if adopting this child with all of her family ramifications would work for us. I mean, we had a great thing going with the kids we already had. Everyone was happy and healthy and for the most part, we had overcome any major obstacles that we had been faced with. So, we decided through much prayer and deliberating that we would not adopt this child. We had not told the family, but as far as I knew, that was mine and Tim's joint amiable decision.
Then one day as I sat typing in the den, Tim came to me. He was serious and quiet, and when I looked up at him, he had tears in his eyes. He turned my chair to face him, got down an bended knee, and hoarsely uttered, "Kari, I watched Jeff play basketball tonight. I watched him score, steal, and win. I watched him have the time of his life. He would be no where without us, you know he wouldn't. If we do not take this baby, we are negating everything that we have taught our children about adoption. WE have to take it, please, we have too!" And he stayed on the knee and just stared deep into my eyes.
And without hesitation, because I had wanted this child all along I answered him.."Okay, okay, I've been feeling the same way. I think that you are right. This baby is supposed to be a part of this family....I guess we are going to be new old parents?" I gave him a huge hug and he spun me around, okay maybe he just lifted me a little, but the effect was still the same.
And so, we began the preparations. We bought things, borrowed things, and I sewed things, all for a little bundle scheduled to come into our lives in just a few short weeks.
It was decided that this would be a verbal open adoption. We made a bedroom for the birth mother so that she could come and stay anytime she wanted. We also offered to take guardianship of her and help her raise this baby on her own, but her strong family ties forbade it. They were not willing to assist her in raising this child. She would be Mommy and I would be Momma. It was different and very unconventional, but I believe that a child can never get enough love. And because this little girl had such a kind gentle spirit, I knew sharing motherhood with her would only be a blessing.
To say this was the hardest adoption we had ever experienced would be a real accurate description of the truth. There were family fights from the birth mother's family. Trouble, at first, with the biological father. Many financial, legal, and social ramifications. Yet in those short weeks, she has persevered, and clung to this adoption idea. Until one day....
It was a beautiful spring day, not too cold, not too hot, and there was a soft breeze. I remember the weather because the birth mother and I were standing on the soccer field watching Tim coach soccer. I had been sensing a reluctance on her part to get too intimate with me and so I knew something was up, but I just had no idea what. "Kari, I can't do this. I really love my baby and I cannot give it up...I just can't...".
I looked at her in unbelief. Was she crazy? She was only fourteen years old. How did she think she was going to raise this baby? Oh my word, I have a houseful of kids expecting this baby, baby stuff everywhere, and I am in love with being this child's mother. Was she completely insane? "And Sweetie, just how do you think that you're going to this?" I carefully and quietly asked her as I stared out to the field.
"Oh", she said in a happy childlike voice, "I'm gonna put all of it's stuff with my stuff in the trailer with my folks. It'll be so cool!" She was all skipping full of joy, almost dancing with her little childlike plans.
"Okay, so who is going to watch the baby while you're at school? And when are you going to sleep if you're up all night and gone to school in the day And who is going to buy diapers and clothes and all the things babies need?" I asked, trying to stay cool and calm, but reeling inside at the thought of losing this child now.
She looked distant and said,"Oh, I dunno, but I'm pretty sure that it'll be okay. Ya, know, really neat!" She just stood there whimsically looking away.
What could I do? This was her child. This was her decision to make. But I was crushed. Really crushed. I started to think I was going to throw up and I began to tear up and shake. And I walked away from her. I couldn't speak. I couldn't reason, heck, I could barely even function.
I went straight o Tim and took his hand. "She's changed her mind..," I began crying.
"What...what the heck?" he looked over at her as she just stood staring at the kids and holding her belly.
"She's changed her mind. She says she's gonna raise the baby herself in that small trailer bedroom. Her parents won't even support her, " I choked back a sob. "I gotta get outta here and leave for awhile." I began to get ill. "Just take her to the house, get all of her stuff for her and the baby and take her home...just take her home... we gotta let her do this...she's crazy, but we can't take her baby...she's gotta want us to have it..."
"Okay, okay,...you go and I'll take care of this...." Tim watched as I left. He was dumbfounded.
"And Tim, tell her I love her..." I said looking back at him and I ran to the car.
Where would I go and who would I talk to? I went to my sister's and after a pretty disastrous conversation that was about how this was probably for the best, I hysterically left. Didn't anyone get this? What the heck? I was losing another baby. A baby I didn't even initially want. I was losing my dream again. Once again, God asked me to do the impossible. I reluctantly obeyed. But now without warning the rug was being pulled out from underneath me. What was I going to do?
I went to the only other place I knew to go and that was the church. I quietly walked into the sanctuary and sat down and sobbed. I sobbed forever. I prayed. I pleaded. I begged. I sassed. I bawled. I sat. And finally, I looked up at Him and said, "I have done everything that you've ever asked of me. Everything! I have married a man that I knew was dying. I nursed my mother to her death. I've adopted six children. I attend church every time I can. I even embraced this mother, this child, and this whole mess of a dramatic family. And now? Now you take it away from me? I'm done with You. Done. I'll raise my children in a Christian home. I'll obey Your rules. But don't ever, EVER, ask anything of me again. I won't do it. I'm done with this!" And I marched my proud, little self right out into the street and meandered towards my car.
Just when I went to reach the handle, I heard a voice as quiet, but stern as can be, "You wait right here Abraham. I told you to lay Isaac down on that alter. Lay him down. If you will obey me and lay him down, I will take care of this. You stop worrying about this baby and worry about it's mother. She's the one in trouble now. Your job is this mother, and mine is her baby..." I looked around to see if anyone had heard this or could see me. Nope...it was just me and God.
I got in my car and sat down. What did this mean? Was I insane. Surely I was insane. I started to drive home. I couldn't tell anyone about this. Who'd believe this. I'd had encounters with God before, but nothing like this. Yikes!
When I got home I went straight into a room unnoticed. What could I do? I had all this emotion piled in my head. So I called a very dear friend to tell her about the baby's birth mother's decision."Don't give up. This is not over. This baby is supposed to be your baby. It will be your greatest blessing. Kari, can you deny that this baby's spirit is in your heart?" I knew I could not. I loved that baby with all my being, with every fiber in me. So we prayed together about the situation. Actually, she prayed and I listened. Then, we said we loved each other and hung up.
Tim was there waiting in the kitchen and all her stuff was gone. I began to cry just as the phone rang. It was our birth mother changing her mind. She said she was wrong. She said that there had been constant fighting in the hours since she had been home.She said that she was just wishing things could be different and that she loved her baby so much. She wanted us to come and get the baby's things and still adopt it. "I will take care of this. You stop worrying about this baby and worry about it's mother. She's the one in trouble now. Your job is this mother, and mine is her baby...". But Tim and I talked it over and told her to wait a week or so and make sure that adoption was truly what she wanted. And so that's how we left it.
Ten days later she was back into our home spending the night, arranging the baby's things, and visiting when she went into labor. Her labor turned into a C-section and with her dad by her side, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Katie-Grace Danielle. It was the name we collaborated on together.
The hospital stay was horrid. The family was yelling and fighting all the time. The parents especially nitpicking and berating Katce's mommy. The nurses, doctors, and even staff were worried. No one took care of Katce or changed her except me and the hospital staff. The birth mother had a bed for me in the room with her and the nurses had a crying room for me down the hall. There was still a real chance she could change her mind again and we had to allow for that. And it was so hard to watch one so young, make such a huge decision. It broke my heart because I loved that birth mother so fiercely and wanted to adopt her also.
"Are you sure? Really sure this is what you want to do? If it's not, you tell me now and I'll walk away. Just give me a couple of weeks to get it together and I'll come and help." I asked her as we were preparing to leave the hospital.
She held her little girl in her arms, and I choked up.The nurse began to have tears running down her cheeks as she held tight to the wheelchair. "Yes," she whispered, "I cannot raise her with them. I just can't."
"Then come stay with me. We'll fight for custody and raise the both of you..." I told her as she started to waiver.
"No, I want to be with my dad, and I want you to have her...I can't raise her with them" and she placed that baby in my arms and she sucked up her tears, forced a smile on her face, and told the nurse she was ready.
We followed her to the car and she got in and with her childlike innocence, she waved "Good-bye"- good-bye to us and to her child. And at that moment and in that instance, a HERO was born in our hearts.
As we took our little girl home and placed her in her cradle, both saying a prayer for the little girl we had lost that day and for the little girl we won....
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