Toiletries...

As a Momma to nine children and a Grammie to four children, I have been blessed with some pretty good material for entertainment. It occurred to me this morning as Katce screamed from the echoing bathroom, "Momma, come look at my poop!", that perhaps no one person has to do more gross things than we mothers do. I do not know why it is so important that I look at my children's poop, but to them, it is or was (depending on the age) very important. So I went in the bathroom and made a big deal out of my youngest daughters latest deposit to the sewer. The poop really wasn't out of the norm, nothing great . I mean, I would not have sold tickets or anything. But to Katce, it was a monumental occasion, so I clapped and told her, "Good job!" Really what else is a mother to say?
 I started to ponder and I realized that a lot of funny, forgive the pun, crap has happened in or around our bathrooms over the years. So at the risk being too risky, here goes....
Flunking the "Pee Test"
I remember the time one of our sons had to have a urine test before minor surgery. I took him into the bathroom and said, "Here's this cup. Now just fill it up and when you're done leave it on the sink."
My son nodded in total understanding and so I left and shut the door. Ten minutes later, he still was not out of the bathroom. People with glazed over eyes, were starting to plan a "Coo", so I got in the front of the line and knocked. "Honey, what are you doing in there?" I asked rather embarrassed.
"Mom, you need to come in here!" a voice from the other side exclaimed in a panic. I opened the door slowly and slid in. Oh my goodness, there was pee everywhere.
"Son, what the heck happened?" I asked trying to grasp how this much pee could get all over and how we were gonna clean it up.
"Well Mom, I'll tell ya. I filled that cup three times and never fell once while I was dumping back into the toilet- until that last time. Then I fell and it spilled everywhere! can i be done Momma because i really don't think I can fill it up one more time...." he answered, his big brown eyes defeated.
"It's okay Bubby. We'll clean this up and take a break. Since you did so good, let's just fill it up once next time and leave it on the sink., okay?" The boy nodded and we went to work cleaning up the mess only to spend the next 30 minutes drinking water to make more urine for the test....
The End of the Roll...
Apparently when our children were in foster care, they were not allowed to put their toilet paper in the toilet, but had to put it in the trash. Now I found this completely gross, and insisted that everyone place their paper in the toilet and flush. Well, this was great fun for a couple of our children, but one child in particular was thrilled that he could not only flush the toilet himself, but with paper too, and so the game was on. Every time this child went to the bathroom, it would take him like thirty minutes. His game was to see how much paper he could get in there before it wouldn't flush. And the answer is? It takes approximately one and a half rolls before you have to realistically call a plumber. However, if you have pooped first, you can get away with one roll. Unfortunately, the latter was the plumbers problem.
It Gets a Little Touchy
I have always been a strong advocate that out children have a "hands on" kind of childhood. I let them play with pudding, mud pies, sugar, really anything they wanted to touch and get dirty with, I just let them. So keeping this in mind, imagine my surprise when I hear Joshua yell, "Mom...(gag).. come here quick (gag again)...Katie-Grace is ...well...she's in here squishing her poop (gag and then start to throw up)...you really gotta get her (gag) and make her stop!"
I come running in and sure enough, she had both her hands up to her elbows in the toilet bow, just having the time of her life! "Katce, did you poop in the potty?" I asked trying not to laugh.
"No Momma, I din't hab too..." she said matter of factly. This statement sent Josh clear into the next county and I just sort of stared at her in unbelief. There really wasn't much I could do, so I pulled her hands out, washed her up, gave her a lecture and not playing with our poop, emphasizing that we didn't play with anyone else's either...
The Little Differences
"Momma, you come here quick...real quick Momma...it's a urgency (emergency)!" I hear Dragos scream in terror! I race into the the bathroom and count my three kids who were bathing together...sheesh....they were all there and all above the 5 inches of water.
"Dragos, you scared the crap out of Momma. What's the emergency?" hands on hips waiting for an explanation.
"Momma, Mare-Mare's wost her Weeah? She stand up and it gone!" he answered in total terror.
"Honey", I tried not to laugh, "Mare-Mare doesn't have a weeah, because she's a girl!"
"Well, dat good cause I wooked in dis tub and it ain't in here! What do she got?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed together.

FIRE
When you have a lot of children, one of your worst nightmares is a fire in the house. I mean I know that no one wants a fire in their home, but for me the frightening thought of finding and getting them all out, is ten times more scary. Unfortunately, one hot summer day...
"Momma, is dat fire sposed to be cummin outta dat dishwahser?" Timara asked inquisitively.
I looked at her, grabbed her, and screamed, "No baby, the house is on fire!" I ushered her out. Began yelling at the other kids and watched them get out while I was frantically calling 911.
"Jeff, Tierney's in the shower....get her out and get outta this house!" I commanded my nine year old son. he did as he was told and yelled at the bathroom door and went outside.
The fire department came while I was extinguishing the fire and began cutting into our home, and filling the place with water. All of the sudden, the bathroom door opened and out popped Tierney in a towel. "Tierney, what the heck are you doing in the shower?" I snapped at her.
"Mom, getting clean," she laughed, "and why are all of these firemen here?" she asked innocently.
"Apparently to see you in a towel!" Tim informed her. Her face got beat red as she pulled her towel up.
"Why didn't you get out when Jeff told you?" I demand.
"Mom! You know they always say there's a fire when they want in...I thought they were just wanting in!"....Poor kid never took a calm shower again....

Over the years we have had more toiletry stories, but those are some of my favorites...what about you....surely, I'm not the only person who has toilet humor everyday!