As quietly as I could whisper so as to not wake anyone I prayed this silent prayer. "Please God, could we just have an adiition to our family...please?"
Sometimes in life, God has asked too much from me or at least that is what I initially believe. And in those moments, I have come to realize that my greatest weaknesses have become my greatest strengths. It is with this in mind that I ask you to read this next excerpt.
After we adopted Dragos, the overwhelming joy we felt with the adoption process was wonderful. Although his adoption had been a long hard struggle, we were assured that that wasn't usually the norm. With this in mind we decided to try again, this time through the Marshal Islands. Since we already had a home study in place, all that was really needed was some minimal paperwork and the wait for our new bundle would start. But little did I know that as I waited for our birth mother to have our child, Tim had other plans for us and apparently so did God.
Tim began to surf the Internet daily looking at children that had been freed for adoption. Everyday he'd come home and just look. I never questioned why, I really didn't care because I figured, knowing how much he loved being a Daddy, that we'd have more children someday....someday. So about two months into our newest adoption, Tim yells, "Hey Honey! Want to come in here and look at these kids?" Now this happened about twenty times a night so I'd go in look at the photos and nod."It says that this kid needs a Father! That could be me! His name is Jeffrey. Look! Just look how cute they are!....." and his voice trailed off as he clicked through each child's photo.
"Five... there are five of them? What in the world we do with five black kids in Nashville, Michigan. What would we do with five kids period?" I gasp, trying to grasp the reality of what he was showing me. But the look on his face said that he certainly wasn't going to let this go.
"Let's just email. It'll be no big deal!", he plead and giving my nod of approval, the email was sent.
I truly gave that day no more thought, I mean what were the odds, and I had my baby coming. We'd be a perfect family of six. It'd be a perfect life.
But then, days later, another yell..."Honey, New York emailed us back and they want to see a home study. They're really interested in us...." and there we went again. He was determined but I was skeptical enough that I knew nothing would come of it. Guess I was wrong...
"Uhh Honey, think you could come in here and sit down? We need to talk, I mean really talk." Tim looked intent and I was really scared. What could be so important that I had to sit down, and in the den no less. "Look, New York emailed us back. They said we're the best home study they've ever seen and they want us to come and see these kids. They'll pay for everything. I think we've got a shot at getting them, Kari, a real shot. I could be this kid's Dad...." and he pointed to Jeffrey again.
Now I'll admit, these kids were cute and they looked like they'd be a real treat to parent, but I wasn't convinced. In fact, I stared at him in unbelief, "Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind. Five, Tim, there are five. And Tim, have you noticed? They are black, Tim, black as night. I don't know that I've ever even spoke to a black person. I don't know as I have ever even met a black person. And Tim? We are white...have you noticed? And Tim, we live in a white community. How would we raise them and what about their culture? And Tim, five, five kids. Where would we put them and how could we afford them? And Tim, what about the baby in the Marshal Islands?' My mind just raced with how nuts this conversation was.
"We can do this. We can. Black kids are no different than white kids. And I'll build more bedrooms. And I'll work overtime. We can get out of the adoption for the baby. Everyone wants a baby, but nobody wants these five kids. It'll be great Honey...no problem..." He had an answer for everything.
"Of course it'd be great for you. You get up and leave at five in the morning and I'd be raising them until five in the afternoon. Plus washing, dishes....Tim if I wanted a litter...we'd have gone invitro...are you crazy...no...no... this isn't gonna happen. I can't do it, Tim,...I can't ...end of discussion. Don't ask about it again!" and I walked out. I walked out on him and I walked out on them. We didn't speak for two days. I didn't talk, sleep with, or even acknowledge Tim Burd unless absolutely necessary. I would have my newborn baby. I would have my life with my children. I would know I could handle them. I couldn't mother five more. Five kids who someone had harmed. Five kids who'd been drug babies. What was he thinking? But as the days passed, my conscience was getting the best of me...
Sitting in the truck all dressed up to go to an important dinner Tim and I road in silence. You can do this Kari- you can. I promise that I'll never give you more then you can handle. You prayed for an addition to your family. This is that addition. You have watched your husband die, nursed your mother to her death, and adopted a child who was supposed to die...you can do this...I promise..." and God spoke this to me as clear as could be. I didn't argue. I didn't fuss. I just obeyed. I don't know why. I just know I did.
"Tim, let's do it. Let's go to New York and meet these kids," I quietly whispered as I took his hand...
"We'll meet them at a park...", I heard Tim say as we drove through New York weeks later. I was so nervous and with Dragos and the girls in tow, we were on our way to meet those five kids. We got out of a car and met at a sort of "park wanna be" place. Just a bunch of wood nailed together in paths.
And there they were, five black beautiful children. They looked small. They looked scared. They looked how I felt. Oh, they were so beautiful. The oldest girl whose name was Tierney, was eleven and had the most captivating smile. It lit up the whole world. She was sort of stand offish and guarded, which I considered at the time to be normal. The next child was a boy, the one in the photo. His name was Jeffrey. He was eight years old. He was very handsome and was trying really hard to hate us, but underneath his frown was a grin just trying to peek out. Then there was six year old Joshua. He didn't say much, just studied us. He didn't look quite like the other kids. A little more buff, with charming facial features. After that there was little three year old James who just smiled and smiled and talked a mile a minute. His eyes danced in circles of naughtiness and he made you want to hold him (which I already was). Finally, the youngest was three year old Timara. Now she was a little "spit fire" if I ever saw one. Tough as nails, with big almond eyes, and a "live wire" personality. She wanted to be down and running and as fast as she could, she was.
And we were in love. I don't think in my life I have ever been so sure and unsure of a situation in my life. I knew I could parent these kids. I just didn't know how. I knew I loved these kids. I just didn't know if it would be enough. I was sure I could handle the little ones, but Jeffrey and Tierney scared the stink out of me. They were guarded, and scared, and they'd been hurt- really hurt on the inside. The kind of hurt that only God can heal. But when I looked at them, at those small, unloved, lovable faces- I knew I had to try. Tim knew it too. And so that night as Tim and I lay in the hotel room with Tierney (she loved her visit with us so much that she'd asked to stay the night), we made the decision to parent these kids.
We met them in September and by November, they were sleeping their own beds, with their own hand stitched blankets, in their own rooms, with their own clothes, in their own house. There was a fifteen passenger van parked in our driveway. There were dirty clothes everyday. There was homework. There was big huge meals. But...there was nonstop laughter. Nonstop naughtiness. There was an endless string of toys. There was happiness. More joy and happiness then I thought I could ever know. Did I miss that little baby boy in the Marshal Islands whom was later adopted and named Oliver? Yes, sometimes I did. But the reality of my new dream never ever gave me pause to regret the beautiful spirited children who called me "Momma".
And today as I reflect on those first years, I cannot help but smile that we survived, those children and us, but we did, and we will, because that's what families do....
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